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Captain’s logbook, April 22nd, 2009. In Good Old Germany the sun is shining, people are having barbecues and celebrating outdoor love. Here in Canada, it finally stopped snowing – but only for the sake of ice-cold rain and bone-chilling winds. To flee from such weathers, we Germans like to fly to a little island in the Balearics called Mallorca – where everybody speaks German, people lie in the sun until their skin peels off, get totally wasted by drinking out of buckets and bring home cheap souvenirs and STDs. Mallorca is technically Germany’s 17th enfant-terrible state – just a little warmer and a little farther south than Bavaria (our other enfant-terrible state). Flights from Germany are cheap, so are the hotels (and I do not mean inexpensive) and it is the perfect holiday destination for the lumpenproletariat!
But although it is cheap, inexpensive and warm, I actually think I either feel too old or too intelligent to enjoy Ballermann 6. And even if I wanted to go there, I couldn’t – because I am in Canada and it is just too far away at the moment... which I have to admit is a damn GOOD thing! Why search every low and high, when good things could not be closer by? East-coast Canadians do not need to go Mallorca, because they have something much more awesome:
Miamiollarca!
Living at the east coast of Canada, going to Mallorca would still be cheap, but not inexpensive any more. Same for the west coast, and going to Quebec would be a total no-brainer, because it is even colder, more expensive and people speak French! Thank got there is this funky little peninsula called Florida – the most inexpensive and awesome destination you can choose from here! It is just a few bucks and a three-hour non-stop flight! The thermometer shows the same number in the twenties as it does in Toronto, but without that creepy minus in front! Palm trees instead of bare-branched maples, sandy beaches instead of frozen lakes and Bermuda shorts instead of long johns! Who needs a hot chocolate when you can have a frozen Margarita? And just a couple of miles farther south, you can visit Cuba (where they have Salsa music and great cigars) or Jamaica (where they have Reggae music and even greater cigars... if you know what I mean ^^).The best part however is that it is a lot like Mallorca, just so much better!
First of all, it is not an island, but a peninsula. That means you can actually go there ever if you are one of these sissies who are afraid of heights. And it is actually situated in an ocean, not that lukewarm bathtub called Mediterranean Sea.
Mallorca 0 – Miami 1.
On Mallorca, there is Ballermann 6, where ugly Germans (and often – even worse – Brits!) with fat bums show their man-boobs and drink all day long till they pass out or go home alone – and that all year long... how frustrating. In Miami, you can enjoy normal and quiet days at the beach every day – at least until Spring Break. Then - young, hot and horny college girls with well-shaped bottoms will take over the beaches, show their perfectly-formed boobs and drink all day long till they pass out and you get to take them home!
Mallorca 0 – Miami 3 (one extra point for girl-boobs)!
Okay... I have to admit that there is a little downer to it. Those of you who aren’t actually geographical retards might have found out that Miami is located in the United States. But come on... nobody is perfect. And unlike Mallorca – where the local residents hate us Germans and think that we are primitive and unsocial primates (which, the way my fellow countrymen behave down there, I can’t blame them for) – people in Miami actually respect you when you tell them you are from Canada. Because they think that Canadians are so liberal, open and progressive... thank got they don’t know better ;)
And many of the people speak the same language you do, although you are a tourist from a different country and most people actually speak Spanish. Just like in Mallorca, but in Miami, not the Spanish speakers are the natives (although they like to behave as if), but those people speaking your language (not German you fool - English!). And if it was up to the native population, they would like to get rid of the Espanola ASAP... so just like the islanders would like to get rid of the Krauts... but it’s the other way around! Hilarious!
And as Miami does not even nearly teem with Canadians as much as Mallorca does with Germans, you actually feel like you are back to a DIFFERENT country when you return. And I don’t mean that because of the obvious decrease in temperature, but because you don’t have to see the same idiots you spent your holiday with when you are back! That’s a hat trick!
So if I look at my score-board, I think I we have a clear winner. In respect of cheap holidays in cool warm places, Canada obviously pwns Germany! Miami is definitely the much more desirable destination for me... and, last but not least, Mallorca does not have the Everglades. In Palma, you might be able to buy a fake alligator leather bag... but in Miami, you can go and hunt one
Viva Miamiollarca!
Yo babe, s’up? Wanna take me to the candy shop and play with my magic stick? No…? Well, neither do I. Don’t get me wrong, I think there’s a bunch of great rap artists out there… Fifty is just not one of them. But did you ever ask yourself why a cool gangster like Curtis “Shot-Nine-Times-But-Still-Not-Dead” Jackson calls himself "50 Cent"? I mean it is better than Double-Quarter of Half-A-Buck, but still...
Well, I have a theory: Fifty chose his name, because he has a North-American mobile phone. And when he got shot NINE TIMES without dying (goddammit, what an epic FAIL...), he fiddled out his cell phone, dialled 911 with his shaky fingers and thought: Thank god I paid my 50 Cent 911 Emergency Service Fee!
For all of you who – like me – live in a civilized European country like Germany, where you have to be able to drop an emergency phone call even if you use a perfect stranger’s phone and don’t know the PIN number; better take a seat, because here it is once again:
For the “convenience” of calling 911 in a life-threatening emergency situation, North-American (Canada & the US) telecommunications providers make you pay extra every month! For mobile phones the usual fee is $0.50. Feels great, doesn’t it? So... safe... and human! Welcome to the wonderful world of capitalism! But don’t worry, people are not as cruel as you might think and want to play fair. Of course, landlines are charged, too, with up to $3.00 per month!
Thus it is no surprise that Curtis Jackson chose this stupid name. If I wanted to start a gangster-rapper-career after surviving nine bullets, I would want to incorporate this hilarious miracle into my future identity as well. So I'd either name myself after that stupid prick who failed to kill me or – like in Fifty’s case, where the shooter remained unknown (honestly, who wants to admit to be such a loser) – dedicate my street name to the other circumstance that saved my life.
So if you ever want to become an American gangster, be prepared to make money! Not for drugs, bling-bling or hookers, but for life-saving emergency phone services in case you get shot nine fucking times.
Get rich or die tryin’!
Gosh... it has really been more than two months now that I last posted! But before you think that I am probably the laziest person in the world, here’s to my defence: It actually took me a long time to recover from the hockey-stick beat-up and the maple syrup massacre after my last post, and the mob threatened to make me listen to Avril Lavigne.
To avoid such a special treatment in the future, I thought it would be a nice gesture to encourage Canadians in their national identity of being “not American” by writing this post. Well, as you can see, it took some time to come up with something to support that outlandish theory. However, I eventually found a very good reason to say: Canada is still not the United States, but this can also be a GOOD thing!
Especially for somebody like me, who was born in Algeria and whose last name for some people sounds familiar to the one of America’s Most Wanted, Canada is a much better choice over the United States, because it is much easier to get in! Every time I travel to the US, I “coincidently” get “randomly selected” by the airline for a “special screening”, which of course has “nothing to do with my last name”. So just imagine what would happen if I wanted to study or live in the United States. Even if average Joe wants to get a visa for the US, he has to fill out two visa forms, send in his passport, make an appointment at the consulate, sit through an interview and get all his fingerprints taken. So I bet if I wanted one, I would at least have to go through an additional lie detector test, a rectal examination and fill out twice as many papers.
Not so in Canada! Letter of acceptance, passport copy, visa application form, envelope and stamp – there we go! Six weeks later, and your visa certificate arrives in your mailbox - courtesy of the Canadian embassy. No muss, no fuss. I think both the United States and Amazon Canada could learn a lot from these guys! Easy ordering, fast delivery, no “random selections” at the airport, and not even the Immigration Officer wanted to have my fingerprints when I arrived to Canada.
But it gets even better. If you want to immigrate to the US and are no 16-year-old Chinese programming Wunderkind, you can either try to climb the fence at the Mexican border without getting shot, or find an American who is stupid enough to marry you. If you want to immigrate to Canada and are halfway intelligent – no problem! 'Citizenship and Immigration Canada' came up with a hilarious idea: Who wants to be Canadian? Forget all the other quiz shows, this is the real deal! Take the eligibility test on their page; if you score more than 67 points, you are eligible to immigrate! I actually passed the mark even without having a prospective job offer - amazing! If you then stay for three years and pass the citizenship test: Congratulations! - You are an official citizen of Canada! And you didn't even have to marry an ugly Canadian!
Yet, as great awesome as Canada's immigration policy might, it leaves me with one very inconvenient thought: I have the bad feeling that Canada might soon have to face a huge immigration wave of unemployed potential terrorists – because Canada is NOT the United States, but it is right next door ;)
Captain’s logbook, April 22nd, 2009. In Good Old Germany the sun is shining, people are having barbecues and celebrating outdoor love. Here in Canada, it finally stopped snowing – but only for the sake of ice-cold rain and bone-chilling winds. To flee from such weathers, we Germans like to fly to a little island in the Balearics called Mallorca – where everybody speaks German, people lie in the sun until their skin peels off, get totally wasted by drinking out of buckets and bring home cheap souvenirs and STDs. Mallorca is technically Germany’s 17th enfant-terrible state – just a little warmer and a little farther south than Bavaria (our other enfant-terrible state). Flights from Germany are cheap, so are the hotels (and I do not mean inexpensive) and it is the perfect holiday destination for the lumpenproletariat!
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