Miamiollarca

Captain’s logbook, April 22nd, 2009. In Good Old Germany the sun is shining, people are having barbecues and celebrating outdoor love. Here in Canada, it finally stopped snowing – but only for the sake of ice-cold rain and bone-chilling winds. To flee from such weathers, we Germans like to fly to a little island in the Balearics called Mallorca – where everybody speaks German, people lie in the sun until their skin peels off, get totally wasted by drinking out of buckets and bring home cheap souvenirs and STDs. Mallorca is technically Germany’s 17th enfant-terrible state – just a little warmer and a little farther south than Bavaria (our other enfant-terrible state). Flights from Germany are cheap, so are the hotels (and I do not mean inexpensive) and it is the perfect holiday destination for the lumpenproletariat!

But although it is cheap, inexpensive and warm, I actually think I either feel too old or too intelligent to enjoy Ballermann 6. And even if I wanted to go there, I couldn’t – because I am in Canada and it is just too far away at the moment... which I have to admit is a damn GOOD thing! Why search every low and high, when good things could not be closer by? East-coast Canadians do not need to go Mallorca, because they have something much more awesome:

Miamiollarca!


Living at the east coast of Canada, going to Mallorca would still be cheap, but not inexpensive any more. Same for the west coast, and going to Quebec would be a total no-brainer, because it is even colder, more expensive and people speak French! Thank got there is this funky little peninsula called Florida – the most inexpensive and awesome destination you can choose from here! It is just a few bucks and a three-hour non-stop flight! The thermometer shows the same number in the twenties as it does in Toronto, but without that creepy minus in front! Palm trees instead of bare-branched maples, sandy beaches instead of frozen lakes and Bermuda shorts instead of long johns! Who needs a hot chocolate when you can have a frozen Margarita? And just a couple of miles farther south, you can visit Cuba (where they have Salsa music and great cigars) or Jamaica (where they have Reggae music and even greater cigars... if you know what I mean ^^).The best part however is that it is a lot like Mallorca, just so much better!

First of all, it is not an island, but a peninsula. That means you can actually go there ever if you are one of these sissies who are afraid of heights. And it is actually situated in an ocean, not that lukewarm bathtub called Mediterranean Sea.

Mallorca 0 – Miami 1.

On Mallorca, there is Ballermann 6, where ugly Germans (and often – even worse – Brits!) with fat bums show their man-boobs and drink all day long till they pass out or go home alone – and that all year long... how frustrating. In Miami, you can enjoy normal and quiet days at the beach every day – at least until Spring Break. Then - young, hot and horny college girls with well-shaped bottoms will take over the beaches, show their perfectly-formed boobs and drink all day long till they pass out and you get to take them home!

Mallorca 0 – Miami 3 (one extra point for girl-boobs)!

Okay... I have to admit that there is a little downer to it. Those of you who aren’t actually geographical retards might have found out that Miami is located in the United States. But come on... nobody is perfect. And unlike Mallorca – where the local residents hate us Germans and think that we are primitive and unsocial primates (which, the way my fellow countrymen behave down there, I can’t blame them for) – people in Miami actually respect you when you tell them you are from Canada. Because they think that Canadians are so liberal, open and progressive... thank got they don’t know better ;)

And many of the people speak the same language you do, although you are a tourist from a different country and most people actually speak Spanish. Just like in Mallorca, but in Miami, not the Spanish speakers are the natives (although they like to behave as if), but those people speaking your language (not German you fool - English!). And if it was up to the native population, they would like to get rid of the Espanola ASAP... so just like the islanders would like to get rid of the Krauts... but it’s the other way around! Hilarious!

And as Miami does not even nearly teem with Canadians as much as Mallorca does with Germans, you actually feel like you are back to a DIFFERENT country when you return. And I don’t mean that because of the obvious decrease in temperature, but because you don’t have to see the same idiots you spent your holiday with when you are back! That’s a hat trick!

So if I look at my score-board, I think I we have a clear winner. In respect of cheap holidays in cool warm places, Canada obviously pwns Germany! Miami is definitely the much more desirable destination for me... and, last but not least, Mallorca does not have the Everglades. In Palma, you might be able to buy a fake alligator leather bag... but in Miami, you can go and hunt one

Viva Miamiollarca!