50 Cent 4 Life

Yo babe, s’up? Wanna take me to the candy shop and play with my magic stick? No…? Well, neither do I. Don’t get me wrong, I think there’s a bunch of great rap artists out there… Fifty is just not one of them. But did you ever ask yourself why a cool gangster like Curtis “Shot-Nine-Times-But-Still-Not-Dead” Jackson calls himself "50 Cent"? I mean it is better than Double-Quarter of Half-A-Buck, but still...

Well, I have a theory: Fifty chose his name, because he has a North-American mobile phone. And when he got shot NINE TIMES without dying (goddammit, what an epic FAIL...), he fiddled out his cell phone, dialled 911 with his shaky fingers and thought: Thank god I paid my 50 Cent 911 Emergency Service Fee!

For all of you who – like me – live in a civilized European country like Germany, where you have to be able to drop an emergency phone call even if you use a perfect stranger’s phone and don’t know the PIN number; better take a seat, because here it is once again:
For the “convenience” of calling 911 in a life-threatening emergency situation, North-American (Canada & the US) telecommunications providers make you pay extra every month! For mobile phones the usual fee is $0.50. Feels great, doesn’t it? So... safe... and human! Welcome to the wonderful world of capitalism! But don’t worry, people are not as cruel as you might think and want to play fair. Of course, landlines are charged, too, with up to $3.00 per month!

Thus it is no surprise that Curtis Jackson chose this stupid name. If I wanted to start a gangster-rapper-career after surviving nine bullets, I would want to incorporate this hilarious miracle into my future identity as well. So I'd either name myself after that stupid prick who failed to kill me or – like in Fifty’s case, where the shooter remained unknown (honestly, who wants to admit to be such a loser) – dedicate my street name to the other circumstance that saved my life.

So if you ever want to become an American gangster, be prepared to make money! Not for drugs, bling-bling or hookers, but for life-saving emergency phone services in case you get shot nine fucking times.

Get rich or die tryin’!